There are many times in networking history, and in the day-to-day operation of a network, when an engineer has been asked to do what seems to be impossible. Maybe installing a circuit faster than a speeding bullet or flying over tall buildings to make it to a remote site faster than any known form of conveyance short of a transporter beam (which, contrary to what you might see in the movies, has not yet been invented).

One particular impossible assignment in the early days of network engineering was the common request to replicate the creation of the works of Shakespeare making use of the infinite number of monkeys (obviously) connected to the Internet. The creation of appropriate groups of monkeys, the herding of these groups, and the management of their output were once considered a nearly impossible task, similar to finding a token dropped on the floor or lost in the ether.

This problem proved so intractable that the IETF finally created an entire suite of management tools for managing the infinite monkeys used for these experiments, which is described in RFC2795. This RFC describes the Infinite Monkey Protocol Suite (IMPS), which runs on top of the Internet Protocol, the Infinite Threshold Accounting Gadget (I-TAG), and the KEEPER specification, which provides a series of messages to manage the infinite monkeys. The problem raised a number of problems about the construction of the experiment, such as whether the compilation of works should take place on a letter-by-letter or word-by-word basis. Ultimately, the problem was apparently solved through the creation of infinite monkey simulators, such as this one.

For those situations, such as assembling and managing an infinite suite of monkeys gathered for test, when a network engineer is asked to perform something which is apparently impossible, the first thing that is required is a lot of hot, caffeinated beverage. And there is no better way to make such beverages than through a hypertext-controlled hot beverage device. This device is so important, in fact, that the IETF described the interface and protocols for it fairly early, in RFC2324. While having a hypertext control interface to such devices is important, sometimes the making of caffeinated beverages should be automated; an interface which can be used for automation is described in RFC2325. If the engineer prefers some form of caffeine other than coffee, the procedures in RFC7168 should be followed.

Another common problem posed to network engineers is to make pigs fly. While it has often been reported that pigs cannot, in fact, fly, those who report this are apparently not well acquainted with engineers who have been given large amounts of a hot, caffeinated beverage. In fact, that which is probable, and yet impossible, is often more likely to occur than that which is possible, and yet improbable, once a network engineer has been given enough of this kind of beverage.

There is a danger, however, with attempting to perform the possible, no matter how good the intentions or plan. As RFC1925 states in rule 3: “With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine. However, this is not necessarily a good idea. It is hard to be sure where they are going to land, and it could be dangerous sitting under them as they fly overhead.” Network engineers plus hot caffeinated beverages may just achieve the impossible.

Or you might end up with a pig on your head. It’s hard to tell, so be careful what you ask for.